


If You Knew

by susurrusshivers



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Blindness, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Temporary Amnesia, this is shit but feel free to read anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-28 00:54:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6307378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/susurrusshivers/pseuds/susurrusshivers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An accident renders Kageyama blind, and has Hinata covering up the truth to keep them together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Knew

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by craziiwolf on tumblr! Her art is really amazing for this AU, so please check it out!

_It happened during training camp._

_It was a cool, crisp morning, perfect for an early jog. Hinata had woken to find the futon next to him empty, and shrugged on some fresh pants to find where Kageyama had gone off to. His footsteps creaked upon the hardwood floor as he stepped into the hallway and walked down the stairs. There was a light coming from the entranceway, and when he came closer, Hinata saw his boyfriend slipping on a pair of sneakers._

_“You going somewhere?” he asked._

_Kageyama jumped violently, his shoulders bunching up near his ears. He spun around to face Hinata. “Shit – don’t do that! You’re going to kill me someday, I swear to god…”_

_Hinata chuckled quietly. “Okay, okay. What are you up to?”_

_“Just going running. Why?”_

_“Can I come?”_

_Kageyama snorted. “You’ll still come regardless of whether I say yes or no.” Hinata stuck out his tongue at the other’s back and plopped down next to him, tugging on his own shoes. “See what I mean?”_

_“Oh, shut up. You know you like the company.” When Hinata didn’t get a response, he knew he was right. He smiled internally at the thought._

_They didn’t plan on jogging too far – after all, they wanted to be back in time for breakfast. So they started on the nearby road and began the uphill run. The pavement was still a little damp as it had rained a bit the night prior, and there were a few shallow puddles filling in uneven patches of roadway. They started off cautiously at first because of the wetness, but that competitiveness they shared soon took over, and Hinata was elbowing Kageyama in the ribs and running just a bit ahead, then Kageyama would sprint past him and he’d have to fight back. Soon enough they were dashing up the road like the reckless fools they were, hollering at each other all the way. As they quickly rounded a bend Hinata couldn’t help but laugh freely because he loved moments like this; he loved pushing Kageyama to his limit and he loved it when Kageyama pushed right back._

_But at that bend, Hinata skidded into a puddle, his feet loosing balance and his ankle twisting. He careened to the side and crashed into a sign blocking off an unfinished section of road where the barriers hadn’t been fully finished. He felt himself fall backwards precariously and slip over the edge, and heard the panicked sound of his name being called._

_Hinata squeezed his eyes shut as he braced himself for the fall. Yet something strong had wrapped itself around him, and tugged his body close to its warmth. He clung tightly to this warmth, wrapped his fingers firmly in the fabric of their jacket, and they too, did the same. Vaguely he could smell Kageyama’s scent, and despite the adrenaline that coursed through his veins, he felt calm with it around him._

_The jarring crash against the ground brought Hinata’s mind back to earth and with each tumble further down the steep hill he was further rattled back to the reality of what was happening. Kageyama’s arms around him tightened as they rolled fast, much too fast, downwards. He hugged Hinata’s head to his chest and held it protectively in his grip as thickets and branches whipped against their skin._

_Then, there was a very_

_sudden_

_stop._

_The impact was violent and fierce, and Hinata felt the tremor echo slightly in his bones, though he wasn’t sure what it was they had hit that had stopped their tumble so abruptly. There was a groan from above him that faded into silence, then the arms that had once been holding him so tightly fell limp around Hinata’s body._

_Hinata hesitated in moving. When he found the courage to untangle himself from the lifeless limbs around him, his heart stopped. Kageyama was unconscious. His head had lolled against the tree that clearly must’ve stopped their fall, his face covered in tiny scratches from the scratchy shrubbery they passed through._

_“…Kage…Kageyama?” Hinata scrutinized his boyfriend’s face, panic flaring. Kageyama made no response, nor did he seem to recognize that Hinata had spoken to him. “T-Tobio?” Hinata tried again, but even the use of Kageyama’s first name didn’t jolt him from his stupor. He didn’t have his cell phone with him, there was no way he could call for help. As he looked at Kageyama’s attire and felt his jacket pockets, he quickly determined that Kageyama didn’t bring his phone either. Hinata felt anxiety surge through him. He couldn’t leave Kageyama’s side, not with him in this condition – he’d be a terrible boyfriend! But he needed help…no, they needed help! Something was seriously wrong with Kageyama; he couldn’t sit here and do nothing!_

_Hinata scooted closer to look at the other’s head, and gently ran his hand through his boyfriend’s hair to see if there were any bumps from the impact. He couldn’t feel anything. But as he pulled his fingers back, the tips were stained red. Hinata paled at the sight, his breath coming in short, quick gasps._

_Hinata felt utterly helpless as he sat next to the unconscious form of Kageyama, his jacket pressed against the back of his head to stall any bleeding. He was trying not to cry, but his eyes were wet and threatening to spill over. He almost didn’t notice the sound of voices coming closer until they were right around him._

_“Hinata!” Sugawara jogged up to him with Daichi and Ennoshita in tow, their expressions full of worry as they approached. “Hinata…what happened?”_

_Hinata faltered under their intense gazes. Under their scrutiny he almost felt like they could tell what had happened, how Kageyama got hurt because of him, how this was all his fault. His lip quivered as he looked back at them, and his voice shook as he attempted to form words. “W-we…were running a-and I…I didn’t s-see and I…I fell and h-he…he…” A choked sob cut off any more attempts at speech._

_They seemed to understand anyway, as Sugawara got Daichi on the phone to have an ambulance head this way. Then he crouched beside Hinata and attempted to soothe him. They were shaken from it when Kageyama began to stir, his eyes opening just slightly. His brows furrowed downwards as though he were in pain, which was likely true, and he groaned loudly._

_“Kageyama!” Both Hinata and Sugawara exclaimed, causing the male in question to grimace at the loudness of their voices. “You’re awake…”_

_Kageyama’s eyes stared blankly in the direction of Hinata and Sugawara. “My eyes…are open…right?” he rasped._

_A beat of silence passed over them. “Y-Yeah, they’re open,” Hinata replied quietly._

_Kageyama sat still a moment, then started shaking. “I…can’t see.” His pupils moved around the scenery in a rapid fashion. “I-I can’t see,” he choked. He reached blindly for Hinata, nearly smacking the other in the face. “Hinata, w-what happened? I don’t know w-what’s going on…” His body shook violently as tears started to stream from his eyes._

_“W-What do you mean –“ Hinata began, before his confidence faltered and he lost the will to speak._

_Daichi came up to them. “The ambulance is on its way, everyone. It’ll be here in a few minutes.”_

_“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Kageyama mumbled. Hinata jumped out of the way just in time for Kageyama to empty the contents of his stomach onto the ground next to him. Sugawara offered a hand on his shoulder as his body shook._

_As Hinata looked at Kageyama, as he drank in the fear and confusion in his boyfriend’s expression, guilt wracked his body. Only one thought was permeating his mind._

_**“I am the reason that you’re like this.”** _

***

Hinata jolted awake with a gasp. His skin was drenched with sweat, and his bedsheets were stuck to his sticky skin. He glanced over at the clock on his bedside table and frowned. It was just barely four in the morning. He flopped back down on his bed and sighed, his mind cluttering full of things he ought to not think about if cared about falling asleep again. 

Nightmares haunted Hinata frequently ever since Kageyama lost his vision. It was just another reminder to him that this whole situation was, in fact, Hinata’s fault. His brain played the event on repeat as some sort of masochistic punishment, a punishment he rightly deserved. If he hadn’t gone running with Kageyama that day, Kageyama would still have his sight. If he hadn’t pushed Kageyama into chasing after him, Kageyama wouldn’t have to live the way he was now. If he hadn’t fallen over the edge and forced Kageyama to save him, none of this ever would have happened. 

He ruined Kageyama’s life and the other didn’t even know it.

That was, maybe, one of the worst parts about this whole thing, besides that fact that Kageyama was blind. Kageyama couldn’t even remember what happened. He couldn’t remember when Hinata fell, couldn’t remember going after him, couldn’t remember crashing into a tree – none of it. He was left with total amnesia regarding the incident. Which, considering his injury, wasn’t abnormal. Cerebral contusions could mess with the head in lots of ways. But it was the way Hinata manipulated him that was so awful.

Hinata didn’t want Kageyama to know it was his fault he ended up the way he did. He was absolutely terrified of Kageyama leaving him if he did. So he lied. He lied about how Kageyama managed to lose his eyesight, spinning some story about how Kageyama fell off the road while trying to avoid a car, and then took his tumble. The worst thing was that Kageyama totally bought it. He trusted Hinata so completely, even moreso now, that he never once questioned his boyfriend’s story. Kageyama simply accepted it as fact even if he still had trouble accepting his blindness, and therefore blamed his own carelessness over why he could no longer play volleyball. 

In those moments, Hinata’s heart always broke. It was bad enough that he was the reason for Kageyama’s blindness, but he didn’t want to be the proponent for Kageyama’s self-deprecating habits either. Yet that’s how it turned out, didn’t it?

Hinata sniffled and felt his eyes water. He was still holding out hope that Kageyama’s eyesight would return. When he was first examined at the hospital, the doctors there had determined that there was swelling and slight bleeding of the brain tissues in the cortex. Both halves of his visual cortex had been damaged, rendering him with what they called cortical blindness of both sides. The blunt force he had taken when his head had slammed into the tree was severe enough to cause the damage. The doctors had stated that so long as his optical cortex hadn’t been significantly damaged, then his vision could return once the swelling and bleeding inside the brain resolves itself. Yet if the damage was severe, things were likely permanent.

Hinata was terrified of what sort of emotional trauma Kageyama would go through if he lost his eyesight permanently. Already he had to sit out on the sidelines at practice, what if he could never join in again?  
The thought scared him so much that he stared at the ceiling, shaking, until it was time to get up for school. He slumped out of bed tiredly and wiped the tear stains that wetted his cheeks. He slapped his palms against his face and mumbled, ‘get it together Shouyou,’ under his breath before he went to the bathroom to freshen up for the day. He dressed in his uniform, grabbed his bag and his bento from his mother, and waved her goodbye before biking off in the direction of Kageyama’s house.

Ever since the incident, Hinata started arriving early at Kageyama’s house to help walk him to school. Granted, Kageyama did have a guide cane to help him get around now, but he was still a little uncomfortable using it. It just made things much easier if he had someone around to help guide him. 

Hinata’s bike stopped just up the walkway to Kageyama’s house. He kicked the stand into place and hopped up to the door, knocking a little tune on the smooth wood. He stood patiently, and could vaguely hear something crash inside and then a subsequent sputter of profanity, before the door was opened rather roughly and his boyfriend stood on the other side, looking rattled.

“You okay?” Hinata asked. 

“Just fine,” Kageyama grumbled. He ran a hand down his face. “Can we just go?”

Hinata placed his hand over Kageyama’s hold on his guide cane. “I’ll lead the way!”

***

Practice was always kind of awkward. 

After the incident, Suga became Karasuno’s official setter. It was obvious that the third-year felt a bit awkward about it, but there was no way to change the situation. To Hinata, things just weren’t the same. Suga was wonderful; he was an amazing setter and encouraged Hinata on a daily basis. But…he wasn’t like Kageyama. Kageyama’s tosses were different and special and they were meant for Hinata and Hinata only, and losing that was like losing half of himself. 

The rest of the team clearly felt upset as well. Kageyama had become such an important part of the team, and now he couldn’t participate anymore. It brought everyone down. They tried not to say this around Kageyama though – he would kick himself for the team feeling so desolate, even though it wasn’t actually his fault. 

Kageyama still sat in on practices. At first he didn’t want to; he said it felt like it was a slap in the face since he couldn’t actually play. But Hinata had encouraged him to try so at least he wouldn’t push himself away from one of the things he loved the most. So he did. He did it for Hinata. 

He always did everything for Hinata. 

Admittedly, some days were better than others. Sometimes he’d be in a better mood about it and offer advice to his teammates when approached on different topics. Sometimes he’d sit quietly with his hand fisting the fabric of his sweatpants as he listened to the ball slam back and forth, a wry, broken expression on his face. People tried not to bother him on those days.

***

Hinata slept over at Kageyama’s house sometimes. They did it more after they started dating, and even more since the incident. Kageyama always seemed rather lonely nowadays, and Hinata could imagine that he would feel lonely too if he had darkness while everyone else had light. 

“We should do something, Kageyama!” Hinata bounced in place on Kageyama’s bed. 

Kageyama looked in the direction of his general vicinity with a blank stare. “Like what?”

“Um, I dunno. What do you want to do?”

“I really don’t care.”

Hinata hummed in contemplation. “A movie maybe? Oh…uh…wait. S-Sorry…”

Kageyama didn’t flinch. “What are you sorry for? It’s not your fault, dumbass.”

Hinata gulped and couldn’t help but think, ‘yes, yes it is my fault,’ as he looked back at his boyfriend with a guilty expression the other couldn’t see. He’s silently thankful for that. 

“You can put one in, if you want,” Kageyama says. “Just do something we’ve watched a bunch of times before. It’s fine then, I guess.” 

Hinata feels his lip tremble because _of course_ Kageyama would say something like that, of course he would still try to go with whatever it is Hinata wanted to do just to make him happy. He cares to much and that only makes everything hurt even more. Hinata nods at him before realizing what he’s doing and verbally replying, “Okay,” and goes to pick out a Studio Ghibli film. Hinata always loved watching those with Kageyama. He hoped that it would still be okay to do that now. He put in the disc for My Neighbor Totoro and climbed back onto the bed with Kageyama as the film began. 

“Where are you?” Kageyama suddenly asked.

Hinata shifted next to him and tugged on his arm. “Right here.”

Kageyama grabbed his wrist a tugged, pulling Hinata into his lap. “Sit here. I like knowing where you are.”

Hinata flushed crimson but didn’t protest. He got himself better situated between Kageyama’s legs and rested his head against Kageyama’s chest while the latter curled his arms around Hinata’s torso. Kageyama kissed the top of his head, but didn’t seem satisfied with where his kiss ended up so he tried a few more times until his lips pressed against the skin of Hinata’s forehead. Hinata squirmed and blushed under the attention – it was adorable and also too much for his heart to handle. He tipped his head back to look at his boyfriend’s face, who seemed to be staring at him intensely. 

“Kageyama,” Hinata began, “can I…ask you something?”

“Sure.”

Hinata bit his lip. “Sometimes I feel like you can see me, and I just was wondering whether…um…well, you can see anything?” Kageyama continued to stare. “S-Sorry, I shouldn’t ask stuff like that –“

“It’s fine, Hinata,” Kageyama interrupted. He sighed a bit. “I can kind of see. Everything just looks like absolute shit. A lot of what I see is just darkness but sometimes I can see blurry shapes and shadows and things like that.” He shrugged. 

Hinata looked up at him with excitement. “But that should be good right? Maybe your vision is coming back!”

Kageyama shrugged again. “I don’t know. Look, I don’t want to get my hopes up –“

Hinata punched his shoulder, cutting off his boyfriend’s words with a grunt. “Don’t be so negative! You’ll be able to see again, I know it!” Kageyama’s brows quivered and he opened his mouth to say something, but backed out and shut it again. “Trust me on this, okay?” Hinata said with a voice full of earnest. 

Kageyama’s eyes looked down and attempted to focus on the place where Hinata was sitting before they gave up. “…Okay, I’ll trust you.”

Hinata kissed him then to seal that brand of trust. Once again he was thankful that Kageyama didn’t have to see the guilty expression on his features, one that spoke of his shame and remorse. Kageyama still trusted him, still believed in him, and his heart tore at knowing just how much he had caused the person he loved the most to hurt so terribly. 

***

The thing about keeping up a façade is that eventually, it has to crumble. Whether through one’s own weakness or the force of the world or others, soon it will break. 

It happened after evening practice one day. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were taking down the next, and Hinata was sweeping around the gym with a broom. Inside the club room, the others were changing into fresh clothes. Kageyama was leaned outside the door, waiting for Hinata. 

“Kageyama’s a tough guy!” Nishinoya vouched. Tanaka roared in agreement. “I mean, how many guys would take a tumble for their boyfriend, get slammed like he did, and still make it out alive? I mean, damn, the guy is a fighter! And still now he’s going strong!”

Kageyama stiffened from his place outside. He felt around the door and poked his head in. “What?” he asked, drawing the attention of the two males in question. “What are you talking about?”

Nishinoya and Tanaka glanced at him. “Well, you’re a hero! I never knew you to be so self-sacrificial, but I guess when it comes to Hinata you’ll really do anything, huh?”

Kageyama only ended up looking more confused. “I don’t understand.”

Tanaka shot him a look. “How can you not know what we’re talking about? Eh, ah, you know…the fall? Sorry if it’s a sensitive topic, but we just think it’s cool what you did is all. I mean, if you hadn’t grabbed Hinata when he went over the edge, he’d probably be hurt instead.”

As they spoke, flashes of memory flickered through Kageyama’s mind. The run that morning, Hinata slipping, him reaching out and grabbing him as they both went over, the tumble down, then blackness. Kageyama’s emotions went haywire as he comprehended this new information, before he curled his lip and snarled across the gym, “HINATA!” 

There was the sound of a broom being dropped in surprise. Feet shuffled over to where Kageyama was standing, quietly fuming, then Hinata spoke up timidly, “Uh, y-yeah?”

“You lied to me?” Kageyama’s brows were all bunched up and he was frowning. There was confusion apparent in his glassy eyes.

Hinata paled at his words. “Uh…I…w-what do you mean?”

“The accident, Hinata!” Kageyama spoke with an anger that was just barely contained. “You lied to me about the accident!” Hinata flinched backwards at his voice. “Why would you lie to me, Hinata?” His voice had risen a bit to showcase his anger, but his face betrayed just how saddened he was.

“I was scared!” Hinata burst.

“Why would you be so scared to tell me the _truth?!”_

“I didn’t want you to h-hate me, o-okay!” Hinata’s voice trembled as he struggled to rear in his emotions. He sniffled. 

Kageyama drew a blank expression. “Are you crying?”

“I d-didn’t want you to hate me b-because I’m the reason you’re blind!” Hinata continued. “I’m just a s-stupid, clumsy idiot and if I wasn’t there with you that day, everything would still be okay! I didn’t want you to leave me, and I know I’m selfish for wanting that but I can’t help feeling that way when I love you so much!” The tears came freely now. “I keep beating myself up over this because I wish you didn’t feel obligated to me, I wish you didn’t feel like you had to do something when I went over the edge! I hate that I did this to you!”

Kageyama was silent as Hinata stood crying before him. The gym had gone silent, and a few people had snuck out just as the commotion had begun. 

“You know, you really are selfish.” Kageyama stared in Hinata’s direction as he spoke. Hinata hiccupped as he looked back, a sickly feeling sinking the pit of his stomach. “Did you really think it was all about you, all this time? Did you ever once try to consider how _I_ feel?” 

“Kageyama…”

“Don’t fucking say anything. You clearly don’t understand anything at all, so now I have to make sure you get it.” Hinata gulped at the glare Kageyama cast in his direction. “You think I’m obligated to you? Hinata, let me get one thing straight. I don’t do anything for you out of obligation. I do it because I fucking care for you and love you and want you to be happy, you dumbass. If you think I went to grab for you out of some fucking obligation, you clearly don’t understand me at all. Do you honestly think I’m willing to let you get hurt?” His stare intensified. “I’m not, Hinata. If I could take the fall for you, then for fuck’s sake I was going to. I didn’t care what happened, because the thought of something happening to you is far worse than anything that could ever happen to me.”

Hinata’s lip quivered. “Kageyama…I d-didn’t…I’m s-sorry…”

Kageyama hushed him. “Just…come here, you dumbass. I can’t see where you are.”

Hinata rushed him, almost tackling him to the ground with the force of his hug. Kageyama stilled him, wobbling a little on his feet as he regained his balance, only to return the hug in full. 

“It’s not your fault so stop blaming yourself for what happened,” Kageyama muttered under his breath. 

Hinata could only nod against his chest and let out a few more quiet sniffles. “It’s not your fault either. Don’t feel bad about what happened to you, okay Tobio?”

“I promise, Shouyou.”

***

Over the next couple of weeks there were changes in Kageyama’s condition. He had to attend frequent appointments at the hospital in order to monitor his condition to assure that the swelling and bleeding was under control and continuing to decrease. Thankfully things never got worse and only continued to improve and there was never a need for surgery. 

Kageyama also reported some changes in his vision. Things weren’t so much just dark and moreso just really blurry, and that was a cause for celebration. The doctors concluded that in fact, his vision was returning at a slow pace as his brain continued to heal. 

Hinata tested his vision more often now that they had the good news. Oftentimes it was something as simple as, “How many fingers am I holding up?” or “What color shirt am I wearing today?” There were some better challenges though. After all, it was still really adorable that Kageyama would get all flustered when trying to find Hinata’s lips to give him a kiss. Hinata might miss that part, only because he’d miss his boyfriend’s blushing face.

There were some other symptoms from the incident that had started cropping up. Kageyama had started getting more headaches and complained of feeling dizzy more than was normal and his balance was a little off. The doctors had all said these things were normal, and that even after Kageyama had fully recovered these symptoms may still linger for days, months or even years after his vision had returned. It was just an unfortunate side effect of suffering a brain injury.

Things continued to clear up, and the team was looking forward to having Kageyama back on the court again. It was fully obvious that Kageyama was looking forward to it much more than they were.  
During one of Hinata and Kageyama’s many sleepovers, the day that everyone had anticipated finally came. Kageyama was spending the weekend at Hinata’s house, and Hinata had curled himself into Kageyama’s side as they slept. Hinata liked sharing the bed with Kageyama – it wasn’t weird or anything since they were dating and they’d done it plenty of times before. And he got to cuddle too. Cuddling was always a nice plus. 

Morning came, and Hinata stirred awake. He yawned into his palm and stretched a bit, taking care not to accidentally knock his boyfriend off the bed in the process. Kageyama stirred beside him, shifting around in the sheets and rubbing a hand across his eyes before he pried them open. 

“G’morning,” Hinata slurred, looking back at the raven with a smile. 

Kageyama shifted up on his elbow, and rubbed at his eyes again, then looked back at Hinata. “It’s not a joke…”

“What’s not a joke?”

“I…can see you.”

Hinata blinked a moment, comprehending, and then broke out into the brightest smile he had ever worn. He placed his palms on Kageyama’s cheeks. “You can?! What am I doing?”

“S-Smiling…” Kageyama stuttered breathlessly. “Shit, Shouyou, I’ve missed your smile so fucking much…” His thumb traced over Hinata’s lips, then down to his chin, cheek, and pinched his nose. Hinata opted not to get upset about that.

“Hey, Tobio,” Hinata began. Kageyama looked at him with an interest that indicated he was listening. “If you can really see, how about you kiss me on the lips without fumbling?”

Kageyama bristled. “Dumbass,” he chided, before leaning down to capture Hinata’s waiting mouth with an accuracy Hinata could only smile at.


End file.
